are you there diane? it's me, your forsaken friend ;_;

^I hope I'm guilt-ing you enough l o l

Dear Diane,

So transitioning into a personal post, another edition of ~elina tries to eloquently communicate her thoughts~ 

so here we go

[feeling guilty bc I already go to you in real life to voice my insecurities and now I've discovered a new medium to do so; how resourceful I have become]

This post is about envy, an emotion that comes with guilt and a lot of sadness and regret. Usually in that order. I guess I feel like my chest is thrust open and all my reservations about myself and my life are revealed. When I feel it, I'm not sure I can hide it on my face because it's such an intense moment of vulnerability. 

Here's Ze Frank, an amazing youtuber and funny astoundingly deep human being, and his take on envy:

I don't know what I even envy. Rarely do I envy money, but I envy stories and experiences people have had, I envy success, I envy fame, I envy beauty, I have even come to envy power, because at times I feel so powerless to act upon any of the politics/justice I feel so strongly about. I envy ability - particularly articulate-ness and intelligence.

This extensive list reminds me then of part of DFW's speech (where all my thoughts are pulled toward as if it has a gravitational pull to it):

"Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshiping ..If you worship money and things -- if they are where you tap real meaning in life -- then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already -- it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power -- you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart -- you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on."

 I worship these things subconsciously and frequently when I'm feeling insecure about my own self -- and I do this because I believe these are the answers to the person I want to become, the ideal me. But obviously having this ideal me in my head is the construction of SOCIETY AND ITS EVIL CAPITALISTIC WAYS and SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE etc etc hmm I wonder if ehow has a 10 step way to becoming my ideal me.

So it think this idle worship of such abstract things and to our ideas of our success really drive envy and the reasons behind why we become envious of people. But Alain de Botton discussed the concept of envy as well, and how envy is driven by equality.

He says:

"The closer two people are, in age, in background, in the process of identification, the more there is a danger of envy -- which is incidentally why none of you should ever go to a school reunion -- because there is no stronger reference point than people one was at school with. But the problem, generally, of modern society, is that it turns the whole world into a school. Everybody is wearing jeans, everybody is the same. And yet, they're not. So there is a spirit of equality, combined with deep inequalities. Which makes for a very -- can make for a very stressful situation."

(Also this is so great:

Oedipus Rex: Sex with Mom was Blinding

Madame Bovary: Shopaholic Adulteress Swallows Arsenic After Credit Fraud)

It's so true right? We envy our peers. I envy Fred for his classy gf, I envy Mimi for her sassy hair, I envy my friend Maggie for her quirky stories, and I totally envy you for your combination of divine beauty and searing intelligence / insightfulness. I don't envy celebrities because they are so inaccessible, so unrelateable… and what more, I do not worship their form of fame which seems to come with the never-ending scrutiny of the fickle media and fangirls. But I envy Tavi Gevinson because she is only 16, so close to my age, and for her fame, which comes for wit and writing and brilliant taste in style.

I think the greatest comfort to myself in the bubble of envy I become entrapped in at times is simply reminding myself this: 

everybody I know, my peers, my dearest friends, are living the life they need to obtain the success they need. I do not define success like they do and no matter what, I should always remember to focus on the person I want to become (be selfish like that). As for the milestones, whether it's they've been accepted to this program / they obtained something I tried to but wasn't capable of being accepted, I have remind myself just to work harder next time, and that things are meant to be.

I should read that to myself on a regular, because it's true. Like Ze Frank said, it's terrible to focus on "oh so you have so much money, BUT NO SOCIAL LIFE" which is definitely instinctive. 

I know this isn't my greatest post, but I feel really good about posting it. Envy is such a MODERN emotion, one that comes with growing up with social media constantly mumbling into your ear (and watching you as you sleep O.O). Because I have no beautiful conclusion I have a poem. It's a good one. 

We Are Many

Of the many men whom I am, whom we are,
I cannot settle on a single one.
They are lost to me under the cover of clothing
They have departed for another city.

When everything seems to be set
to show me off as a man of intelligence,
the fool I keep concealed on my person
takes over my talk and occupies my mouth.

On other occasions, I am dozing in the midst
of people of some distinction,
and when I summon my courageous self,
a coward completely unknown to me
swaddles my poor skeleton
in a thousand tiny reservations.

When a stately home bursts into flames,
instead of the fireman I summon,
an arsonist bursts on the scene,
and he is I. There is nothing I can do.
What must I do to distinguish myself?
How can I put myself together?

All the books I read
lionize dazzling hero figures,
brimming with self-assurance.
I die with envy of them;
and, in films where bullets fly on the wind,
I am left in envy of the cowboys,
left admiring even the horses.

But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,
and so I never know just WHO I AM,
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear.

While I am writing, I am far away;
and when I come back, I have already left.
I should like to see if the same thing happens
to other people as it does to me,
to see if as many people are as I am,
and if they seem the same way to themselves.
When this problem has been thoroughly explored,
I am going to school myself so well in things
that, when I try to explain my problems,
I shall speak, not of self, but of geography. 

Pablo Neruda

Love,

Elina

P.S. I learned how to embed a ted vid! MAGIC / WITCHCRAFT